Luminous.
I barely have words, only sensations and questions. Most of September is held within me — unarticulated, resting, and content to stay layers below. There are indistinguishable rhythms beating underwater. I am hovering one thin wall away from an ambient techno set — one that I know upon stepping into would engulf me completely, bringing everything to the surface in one brisk inhale. I offer this imagery because music has a way of enticing truth and tears from my soul, joyful or sorrowful, depending on the chapter I exist in. (1) When language leaves something lacking, I turn to song. But am I ready to surrender?
I’ve visited home, I’ve flown back. Six flights, forty hours, and warm hugs collected to last me through winter. I hope I have stored up (and given) enough because it is bound to be an icey one. The comfort of a love only family can provide — I recognize and cherish it. In crowded airports and clamorous cities, the world reminds me how vast it is, how small I am! I am your little dove.
There are those who know you because they took the time to. Quality time, selfless interactions, compassionate awareness, undistracted listening. Glimpses of this type of love is what our hearts are set on — like lifting the veil of heaven. (1 Cor 4:18) The beauty and intensity of being seen by another cannot be feigned. A very rare person will ‘check in’ entirely, locking eyes with you despite the instinctive fear of vulnerability. They connect and forget themself: You need me to be here now, so here I am. (Is 6:8) Unshielded and unconditional for your sake.
Where do they come from? These souls who embody love like angels, offering what the world cannot? To me, those intangible, untouchable moments have proven more valuable than any material object. You gifted me with your gaze, I returned it, and together we felt our hearts say, “We share something. This is ours.” Awe cannot begin to describe it. For the depth we reached, although now of the past, feels timeless in my memory. Your eyes…
We want to hope we will not forget. We want to cling and guard and protect. But to fade is only natural and if we are blessed, we will meet other connections along the way. Still, to find cannot be the focus, but instead to be. You are called to be the very person you long to encounter. Pure, angelic, luminous.
So, what will you offer to others with your presence? What will you reflect? (Wis 7:26)
I am alone in a big, empty flat and dreading the cold, but there is sun streaming in through the windows. I feel my body reacting to change — in shock. My mind is trying to move forward. My heart is doubting. My soul, it hopes. Although I am bracing myself for a difficult winter, I know there will be moments of light and even warmth if I pour myself into my friendships and my faith.
With tenderness,
Solée
