Exiting the waiting room.
I can’t lie — the eighth month of this year leaves a large tear across my heart. Like cracked paint and scarred walls fresh after an earthquake. Though unlike a natural disaster, this wasn’t out of the blue and it didn’t only leave destruction. Anticipated in Seasons, the final slice of summer indeed identified itself as ‘a time to lose.’ What I didn’t expect, however, were the grace and acceptance with which the loss was accompanied. My question now — and perhaps it’s already half clear — is if this freshly opened space should be embraced as ‘a time to seek,’ or firstly, as a time to let the dust settle.
✤ before continuing on, please press play below ✤
cover art for Bon Iver LP by Gregory Euclide
I read an interpretation of a piercing song, Wash by Bon Iver, saying it symbolizes a cleansing after a long, difficult period, like March rains melting snow to reveal green landscapes.
“The line that always gets me is ‘We finally cry.’ To me, this is the break; the realization… ‘wash’ is what happens after a long winter… a new perspective… cleansing ourselves from the heartache… with a new outlook of hope and acceptance… This is one of the best songs to cry to (I have no shame in admitting).”
The thing about you, Grief, is that you’ve been awake. Conscious sorrow. Are you purifying us, tear by tear? (Ps 126:5–6) For some reason, we knew to welcome you rather then run. We stood on the shore waiting for the swell to hit us. We laid down at the end of our winter together, hands clasped, still overflowing with care for each other. How often does a lover get to hold the other until seconds before the wave breaks?
A rare preservation. Refusing disintegration. My thoughts float to — What is the right balance of grieving and gratitude during a period like this? Are we aware of what we are letting go? (Lk 19:42) Vivid visuals surface too with the feelings fused to them.
A metronome sunrise, the first winter, Holandsko, jazz on a dock, train stations and airports, climbing, cherry trees, Bara, Botti, Bonito, Darjeeling, a lake in the Tatras, the Dači, doobies and late-night-heartfelt-ToA-jam-sessions.
And how can I begin to describe the soundtrack of us? The musical element that started it all. Multidimensional. The more I remember, the more floods in. Let it wash all over me. (JB ♪)
I understand soon these thick walls of fog will clear away and your hand won’t be in mine anymore — but at least, I hope, I’ll retain the pleasure of looking into your gentle eyes, even if it must be from a distance for a while. Oh love, summer never felt this sad…
But a transformation will follow — because it has to — folding my tender heart like dough, preparing a new batch of emotions out of the old, and swirling sentiments delicately with time. I pray there’s a recipe — od romantiky k přátelství. I pray for “us” and the nearing chapter where “we” becomes something different than it did before. Fresh meaning, raw hope, and all of this unfolding, not for a second without love.
It’s becoming clearer and clearer to me that the ‘pond’ I’ve been delicately dipping my toe into is taking me somewhere new. This path is different: It will lead me away from the ‘waiting room.' Sometimes, I feel like I’m in it alone, but what I’m after is more important than temporary isolation. That fear seems to melt away like snow fallen stubbornly on a little campfire. I am ablaze. I am intrigued enough to trek out into the forest, the wilderness, and find others who find themselves with this same spirit of seeking. We are headed towards truth. And what could be more important than that?
With all of me,
Solée
Note: For monthly reflections, the gallery features only photos taken during that month. Consider this a special case. Please enjoy the chosen media from as far back as 2021 while I soak in nostalgia.
